I’ve had a few years experience with empathic listening. Being a ministry leader at a mid-sized church, 1300-1400 avg attendance, it is something... it’s a must do. It’s something that the staff revisits at least once a year, for refresher training and it is practiced during staff meetings. One of our pastor’s (read boss) favorite books is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and he references it often. One of his favorite quotes from Covey’s book is the same one that was used in the text, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
I led a small group for a few years and one of our group lost her home to fire in ’09. I got the call and my wife and I got there before the fire was out. In ministry you often have to be empathetic and sympathetic at the same time, this was one of those times. I had to start out empathetic, I had to listen to her, not only to understand but also to show her I cared, which lead into showing her sympathy. Allowing her to cry on my shoulder, tell her how sorry I am; and then shift into counseling mode. Help her to understand that which she had truly lost; her 3 children were in school and her husband had had to work late that morning so he had not been at home asleep as he normally would have. Having lost a home to fire myself I knew what she was feeling and I was intimately familiar with the overwhelming question “What do I do now?”
Because I had listened to her with empathy to make sure I knew what she was feeling and shown her compassion and sympathy in her loss, she, in turn, listened to me. I was able to bend her thinking away from the overwhelming feeling of loss towards a since of relief because her family was safe and unharmed, the home was a rental and could be easily replaced and all she truly lost, the only things that could not be replaced, were a few mementos. Regrettable, yes; devastating, no.
My score on the quiz was 0. (http://complimentquotient.com/how-well-do-you-practice-empathy-quiz-5-tips-to-raise-your-empathy-quotient) I don’t completely agree with their result because I am far from the perfect empathetic listener and often find it hard to stay focussed on the person in front of me, especially if there are other important things on my mind. Though I will say I have only suggested food once, (during a conversation) and then it was because he had said he was hungry.
I have been working with artists for for years now and I have found that being able to listen empathically is a job requirement and really the only way to understand what is wanted without trial & error. A musician on stage asks to be turned up in their monitor, asking a few questions to understand them better leads to having the guitar turned down instead, making them more comfortable then they would have been if you had ended up turning everything else up. Script writer with set design, don’t get that wrong, understand; producers, directors, actors; empathetic listening will help you to understand exactly what they are feeling/wanting/needing and will make your career, and therefore your life, a much happier and less stressful one.
Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people. New York: Simon & Schuster.
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